mom on a mission

this is my blog, my opnions, my play pen. dont like what you read, move on!

Friday, October 21, 2011

kinda hurt..but its par for the course

Today naythan came for a visit..after seeing naythan and holding him it made me remember how wonderful and beautiful a newborn is. my son kristopher on the other hand is NOT happy with me! when it was time for naythan and kayla to leve he got mad becuse it was late and couldnt go with brandi to bring them home he said hurtful things to kayla and hurtful things to me. i cried!  he said to kayla.."i wish your baby died" then he said to me,, i dont love u! n

OMG talk about hurt! i know hes confused. after kayla left he said i dont want naythan to be here.
i remember telling my mom and dad..your not my REAL parents you cant tell me what to do!

Words hurt! i know he doesnt mean to ,,but did i cry,,,HELLL yes!
US adopted children persieve the world and ppl differently, i know what he means but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt! this is par for the course... kayla gets to b the fun one and dan and i have to discipline, now it hurts to hear my son say things, but i have to remember,,,its natural!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

times they are a changing

well ill blame it on PMS! today on my way home from school, i cried to myself! After tomorrow, i no longer have an infant, a toddler, a preschooler, i have a 5year old!!! It hit me, even though i havent had a baby around in a while, my life is going in a new direction.  The days of onsies, foot pjs, sippy cups, are just a memory.  All my children are growing and becomming their own persons. Kristopher was my last little one, and hes not so little anymore. Dont get me wrong i love my new found freedom because if i calculated correctly i was pregnant for over 50 months of my life!!!!!! THis is just a new chapter in my life that ill have to get used to. so ill wait for the days of grandchildren, when ill get to smell the smell of a baby, the cute scurry on the floor of feet pjs and the stains from the sippy cup on my rug !

Saturday, October 15, 2011

october,,a month of discovery

Gee how do i even begin blogging about this. The month of october consists of,, my bday(turning 40) so my bday, my sons bday, his bio brothers bday, the loss of my son, and to add more, a SECOND rejection from the woman who gave birth to me! YEAHHHH october! ugggghhhhhh

October ,, ohh how you mock me . Ive come to terms with turning 40, its not so bad. Its been 10 years since the loss of Jonathon half way through my pregnancy, its the month my incredible son was born, and the miracle of Naythan into our family unit, AND,,,you ready for this,,,the month that the one who gave birth to me AGAIN was allowed to "dis" me!

I dont usually talk about my biological mother, but this month it seems appropriate.  I decided to search for her almost 3 yrs ago because i was envious of the knowledge kristopher has of his beginnings, he has medical info, and a glimps into his biological past.  I wanted that, not so much for me, but for my girls.  So much emphasis was put on breast cancer awareness, cervical cancer etc, i OWE it to them to know my medical background. So 3 years ago in march i began my search!
IT wasnt hard! beleive it or not!
Some incredible things came from my search, ,,,,MY BRO....oh how i love him : )  oh god if he reads this his head will swell lol
I also got a sisinlaw, a niece, and 2 nephews!!!! How  great is all that!!!
ohhh october how u mock me!
After my search, i got to know a few things about my biomother, we both love clothes lol, we both love makeup and nailpolish and we both loveee football! so every sunday i would send a quick txt about the game. This past sunday i got a response that i didnt forseee comming. 
"im seeking psych help for the issues im having, im sorry but i need to be left alone for a while"

Ok,,,,if you dont like swears, skip the next 2 lines!!! ARE You fucking kidding me????? You have issues that your  working on???? i let u into my life, intro u to my children, let you meet MY MOM and YOU have issues???????????? were u abandoned at a hospital? were u "placed" achem given up? Did u get made fun of at school because your "real" mom didnt want u??  By the way,,, i dont agree with real mom! a real mom is not a birth mom~

so the month of october SUCKS for me! Honestly, i should be the one in therapy~ Given away at birth, thankfully i had INCREDIBLE parents who loved me no different as if i were biologically theirs, the same way as i do kris. loss of a son, birth of a son who came to me at 4 mths, now birth of his bio brother! ACKKKKKK thats nuts!
I wish i could go back, go back to the day i decided to search. But i cant! I did it,and as dr phil would say "i own it". 

I wish i could pick and choose the good vs the bad but i guess every decision we make has its consiquences!  Just make sure when u make a decision, your ready for whats to come!

Monday, October 10, 2011


I love that my my story can educate people on open adoptions since they are so bogusly misunderstood! Today while registering in at the hospital, the lady says,,"i see u have a child with u," i respond "yes" She goes on to say,,"only siblings can visit in the NICU" I softly say "he is a sibling" she said "ohh i just heard him call you mommy" I looked and with out hesitation i said "YEP he DID" She said," well if his brother is upstairs, how can u be mom?" isnt mom with the infant?" So i said softly again, because kris doesnt understand the DNA of our whole situation, ... "Thats his biological brother , im his MOM, his birthmom gave birth and is in the nicu with the baby" ... LMAO thats all i can say,,she just said,,oh im sorry and gave me my pass to the nicu.

While upstairs with the baby, a nurse came in and AGAIN questioned who kris was,,

Nurse.."so who is this handsome guy"
Me... "Kristopher"
Nurse.. " and who is Kristopher to the baby?"
Kayla..pointing to ME says" he is the godmothers son"
Nurse.,.. "well only siblings can visit"
ME... "he is a sibling"
Nurse.. "kayla just said hes your son"
Me.. YUP
kayla..." i gave birth but hes HER son"
Nurse...VERY VERY confused at this point,,,"so hes a big brother?"
ME ,Kaya,,," YES SHHHHHH we havent gotton to that yet"
This poor nurse,,, so we let her off the hook,, and explained our complicated family dynamics to her!
She was shocked that we all have a relationship! i used this time to educated her on the benefits of open adoption, how my son deserves the truth about his life, both past and present and by having an open relationship im never lying, kaylas never lying and he will NEVER feel as though we were deceiving him!
She never realized what open adoption was! OMG are we not in 2011??? Is this world still so closedmined?? I wish I could devote my time and EDUCATE people on the benefits of open adoption! I hope that this blog will spread and people will open their hearts and minds to this, just as me, kayla, dan, and family have opened our hearts and minds to each other. This, like any other relations will have its ups and downs, but dont all families??????????


Friday, October 7, 2011

naythans here

how honored i was to be included in naythans birth plan. oh how i wish it went the way we all pictuerd.  But God had a different plan for kayla and naythan. No the birth wasnt picture perfect nor were the few days following, but it gave us all a wake up call. Life isnt a guarantee, its a GIFT!!!!! Naythan was given a gift, the gift of life that he will be able to share with his mom!!!

Im so glad hes here, hes my godchild, and kristophers half brother, here is where things get weird.
Kristopher knows he grew in kaylas belly, he knows the word ADOPTED, he knows and is mad that he didnt grow in my belly but knows that me his dad and sisters love him more than our own lives! in kristophers words,,,"u love me the universe ,,right" lol  kris has been an incredible gift to our lives!

Ive read many many blogs, articles etc about how to go about this open adoption, i either get the fanitics, or the liars.  THe fanatics theory,,,The adopted child should call the biomom,,,,MY FIRST MOM , then we have the liars,  who dont tell their adopted children anything,,ohhh thats just your auntie~ ughhhhhh where is the middle ground!?
I want kristopher to respect kayla, love her, but saying hi  my first mom kayla well its just NUTS
and to let him beleive shes a long lost family friend, thats NUTS as well. 
I wish there was more research into open adoptions.
But for know,,, kayla is TEETEE
Naythan is TEE TEEs baby
the rest will fall into place